I realize, and I know my partner in crime, Red High Heels will agree, that sometimes having a blog is just taking advantage of telling a story that you feel the world must hear. Nothing to do with finding a deal at the Rack, or best bargain sites, nothing at all to do with the entire point of this blog. However, when Sexy Ass Sevens finds her evening going from what was planned to be a late day run and then off to dinner with a gentlemanly guy she just met the night before. TO then being stuck on a balcony and spending the evening with your new pal, Moon, discussing Islamic religion (P.S. I was raised Catholic)...well I think swaying from primary blog topics is JUST fine.
So how does one find herself going from a run to being up on her second floor balcony you ask? This feat, by the way, will be shocking to only those who know me least! I am fully capable of said action, and if you stick to this blog, capable of many more such feats! As I mentioned I had dinner plans but at 4:30 realized the day was creeping up on me. Being that my neighborhood turns into the "town that dreaded sundown" after dark, and my ass was feeling large from a Nutella binge eating session, I grabbed the ONLY NECESSARY item one needs for a run, my ipod, of course. I then jetted to the front door and did what ANY responsible, single girl does, (slow motion for ya)...locked the door behind me. As if TRULY in slow motion, I hear the click the moment I realize...NO KEYS!
The 2 - 3 minutes of f' bombs aside, I was very prepared to solve this. No phone, no keys, (don't tell her but apparently NO BRAIN), I launched into She Hero mode. From this point on the rest of the evening turned into a metaphor for my entire life, and most certainly the last 8 months of my life. AND I would do this alone...right!
I circled the house, the same way one circles the spot where their stolen car used to be parked, and was finally convinced no spare key OR secret entrance might appear. I then had a stroke of genius, the wise idea that if I climb up to my second floor balcony the door MIGHT be open. After all I was just on my balcony getting some fresh air and journaling only a few short hours ago. YES, the door is unlocked, I am sure of it.
NOTE: Getting up on to a second floor balcony for fearless, in shape, She Hero- not so hard. Getting down...hmmm??
45 minutes later and still stuck on my balcony...nice. In that time, I had waived a little person passing by down (yes like Big People, Little World) who clearly did not like helping average sized people. Either that or possibly her cell conversation was with an Obama cabinet member, consulting on the state of the economy, definitely more important than some poor sap STUCK on her OWN balcony. Other then that I had a lot of time to think, how do I get myself stuck on a balcony....???
Truth be told, this is my life. I believe life is about being fearless! Climbing up here was fearless. I have done my fair share of "jumping in" and "going for it", without thinking much first. Fearlessness! Truly, every fear driven decision I have made in my life, I have regretted but have never regretted a fearless decision! Had I regretted being fearless tonight? At this frickin' moment, all alone on my balcony, cold and very hungry (Nutella binge obviously does not last), answer, YES! However, when you make fearless decision and just "jump in" can you see how the results will play out the minutes or days or even months after you do it??
I might have to get back to you on that...
There is a fine line between taking a risk and making a fear driven decision. Fear driven decisions can often hide behind what looks like a risk. In the same I have also been a risk taker, so which is it? Many times I have taken a risk and then look back and said, "I did that" and it was amazing results! Normally in those circumstances I had no idea I was even "taken a risk" until after the fact. How does one know the difference between fear driven decisions and risk? The difference between fearful jumps and true, healthy risk taking is... CALCULATION! That is when I know my decision is fear vs. risk. Fear is a knee jerk reaction, a way to avoid something you are more afraid of! Climbing that frickin' balcony was just that, it was fear!
I was afraid I would be stuck outside all night! So much so that I was willing to climb up not thinking far enough ahead about what the f' I would do if the door was in fact LOCKED!
So I calculated...I paced and pondered ways to get down off that balcony. One such way, was tying my sweatshirt to the bars on my balcony as a possible attempt to shimmy down to the ground below. I am writing this blog, so obviously I realized this was not a very good calculated risk, my limbs are still in place. I found myself swinging my legs over the rail, VARIOUS TIMES, in an attempt to get down the way I came and no matter how hard I tried could not gain the 2 inches more on my legs I needed to touch to 3" wide fence line. Which then would have led to a backwards balancing act and a graceful dive to the ground! Not happening! I would have landed a broken neck had I went that route, BUT…the point is, I was calculating.
1/2 Hour later, sitting cold and hungry, close to giving up I knew one thing, had I done calculating this from the beginning I would not be on a balcony. Had I not acting from fear I would NOT BE ON A BALCONY.
Had I calculated my former marriage, my job choices, my relationships, my home purchase...I would not "be on a balcony".
Safety was just staying on that balcony until my room mate returned tomorrow at 8:30 AM! Had a done that, it would have been what I did from February 19 to July 1st. All in the same week, I lost my job, my dad was rushed in the hospital with kidney failure and my brother "disappeared"...SAME week. No I am not a wimp but this week had come after a year and a half of a painful long drawn out divorce, an intense family addiction and some really poor choices in men. I realized in February, I had in the last few years made many fear driven decisions and many less calculated decisions. It was time for a change.
That was not how I had always lived my life. I had decided in February, whatever choices I was making in recent years had landed me "here"(on a balcony), hence I was frozen with fear and did not want to make even ONE more life decision. I had so much to face about who I was, and what I wanted and I knew life needed a little "hold" button before I began to make more choices. So I dove in on working to figure all that out. A journey I cannot come even close to explaining in one blog, that is book material. But a journey WELL worth taking. I made no choices on my life for 5 months! I stayed in "the same place" for months until I felt grounded and confident again. Until I knew why I had landed in the place. I learned most people in my life were their under conditions of who I was when I was on top. I learned I was a better person then I had ever let myself be and had more to offer then I had let happen, especially with my male relationships. But what I REALLY got from it was knowing who I am, liking myself AND most important what I want more then I have ever known. I hear my gut instincts clearer then ever. I got the peace that goes with knowing yourself and what you have to offer this world. And now, I am going for it and knowing exactly where I am going.
SO, I got off the rather uncomfortable "show chairs" on my balcony. Frozen is no place to be, I had done the work, I had done all that needed to be done to avoid being on a balcony ever again. Time to make decisions and get myself OFF a balcony. And again, there IS a difference between risk and calculated risk. Had I tried by MY self to get off the balcony I was sure to have a casted limb, one way or another, which TRULY kills the shoe selection and is NOT a fashion statement I EVER recommend! Important to mention I AM both athletic AND ungraceful..shut up, it's possible, exhibit A on the balcony! So climbing down, all by myself was not a smart route to take.
In life I believe you NEVER give up and pursue all you have with passion. So from pounding on walls, to yelling to my next door neighborhood, who of course was not home. I was not going to give up, and I was PASSIONATE about getting OFF this balcony .
Which is when I also realized, life is about YOUR gut and YOUR decisions. But in the end, NO one is an island. I did a lot of my decision making in the last years on my own, thinking it was a sign of strength. I am here to say, its not! I have made some of my boldest, gut instinct decisions after consulting those I trusted and then made my decision. But I have also been in crisis and had a stranger to turn to, one that I had to trust...in walks Moon.
I told myself NO matter what, any neighbor that was the first to come home, I was going to ask them to call 911! Yes, this was a crisis for 911, as far as I could see it, I Sexy Ass Sevens was stuck on the a balcony, call the fireman!! Ok, you're right it was no time to be seeking a date, but come on, I am single and what's wrong with a little "multi-tasking".
Moon is about 5'4", 150 (on a basketball roster). I am 5'7" and you are crazy if you think I am going to tell you my weight. Let's just say when he told me to jump to him. "YOU ARE NUTS", is the only thing without profanity I could think of. "Listen dude", had no idea of his name at this point, "broken bone, fine, BUT killing you tonight, NOT gonna happen". "No, no", Moon coaxed, "you can do this, I will catch you!" Ah crap, I knew it, I knew the life lessons would keep coming tonight..."You need to trust me, you have to trust me and trust that you can do it, I am here to help you, trust, trust". CRAP it Moon!
Moon on his ass and me being extremely, well, "vocal" though out the process (did I mention I was Italian), but the deed was done! I was safe on ground! Moon was right, trust! Celebration lasted 2 seconds. I was launching into tracking down my roommate who was doing what I SHOULD have been doing, enjoying a nice dinner with a nice gentleman.
NO cell, did NOT know Amie's (room mates) phone number by heart. I called my mom, who before looking up Amie's number yelled at me for ALL the reasons I should have a spare key hidden. Perfect ma, great advice for NEXT TIME I am trapped on my balcony. The only way I could get her off the phone to look for the number was to convince her to yell at me while looking up the number. With her lung capacity I was sure to hear her very clearly. Italian mom's! In the end, she was no good to me because she can never remember HOW she alphabetizes her phone book (lets just say I found a mechanic under "t" once, because he is Joe, "The" Mechanic - true story). We ended with her informing me I should climb back UP and sleep on the balcony because she DOES not drive at night to Seattle so was not about to come save me!
No matter ma, one thing I am is quick on my feet IF it has nothing to do with being MacGyver! Strategist, yes...handy girl..no! I will leave that to the man I find, some day. So, I was already well into plan B, while mom was yelling at me from across the room so I could hear her into the phone. I was on route to Moon's computer to instant message Amies to her phone (as I call her, with added "s" for nick name hence Amies not Amie).
Instant message on G1 phone and T-mobile I am here to say...YOU SUCK! But thanks to face book and our mutual friend Jen (also one of my hero's for the night), thank you for not being as "private" as Amies in her facebook info! (and yet another facebook success story folks).
YES! We were able to reach Amies who sacrificed the rest of her night with the man friend to come save me! Thanks Amies and Jen, I WOULD go to battle with 2 any day! Crisis averted (sort of), I was rest assured I would be in my house by 8:30 PM!!
NOTE: Amies was NOT spending the night at man friends house…she works grave yard people..get your minds out of the gutter!
But in the meantime I had finally introduced myself to Moon, chatted it up a bit, as I am a mad multi-tasker and realized he is also jobless. Yes, I am all about paying my dues! And job searching, knowing people…well one thing I am dame good at. We went to Starbuck’s with his lab top and I showed Moon, the inner workings of American job search and smooth networking. He was of course, impressed...or at least made me feel he was to spare me some ounce of dignity..after all he found me on a balcony.
I made a friend, I learned about the need to have more faith from Moons' passion about being a Muslim, which I was taken by, being that raised Catholic never has moved me nor any religion (sorry mom). He shared with me that life does have happiness, that I was being tested these last months of my life and that I must have faith, good things are happening. I believe Moon that you might be right. No knowing myself and the recent calculated risks I have taken, many good things I think are happening.
Yes Moon, faith is believing calculated risks will pay off. Being on a balcony helped me realize that fearlessness is a key to how I live my life. As long as it is not fear but instead risk that is calculated. That you must be passionate and never give up. No matter who you are, strength is NOT doing it alone but trusting others. And that really, whether on a balcony, in a board room, at a gym, or in a relationship (still working on this, playing the friend card with boy I adore, WIMP!) being fearless and taking calculated risks is something I have and will never regret.
Thank you Moon, Amies and Jen....and no thanks to the little person on the cell phone. But Ma, you are off the hook, you after all are amazing (most the time) and gave me life, I can’t complain!
Honestly, in the end ...I am not so disappointed that I found myself last night.. on a balcony.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment